1970
- Infant and Junior School
- Stumpy, Bendy and me break the time record for sliding down the local chalk slope on corrugated asbestos boards
- The Milton Sisters Gang capture Stumpy and me and bury us up to our necks in the school sandpit
- Brookman reads The Communist Manifesto, Das Kapital and Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book at the age of 7
- Puffer is compared to a ‘young Peter Lorre’ for his performance in the school production of Little Lord Fauntleroy
- Gordon ‘Sputnik’ Mahoney’s parents are called up to the school after he refuses to obey the teachers, saying he only takes orders from Commander Straker and Lieutenant Gay Ellis (characters from Gerry Anderson’s UFO)
- Smiler Morton smashes the record previously held by Dewdrop Dawson by eating fourteen tubs of Play Dough in a morning
1971
- Junior School
- The Milton Sisters bite the heads of four platoons of mine and Stumpy’s 00 scale Airfix Foreign Legionnaires which are guarding the contents of our desks. Reinforcements prove futile and we are forced to withdraw our soldiers’ long-standing military presence
- Brookman is the mastermind behind a perfectly legitimate brainwave enabling Stumpy, Bendy and me to get the first three places in the egg and spoon race challenge against arch-rivals and enemies
- Brookman is sent to the Headmaster after trying to unionise the dinner monitors
- Mrs Appleby sings in the MOR band Victor Valiant and The Vulcans
- Puffer is compared to a ‘young Charles Laughton’ for his performance in the end of term play
- Smiler Morton manages to fit twenty-four pieces of Bubbly bubble gum into his mouth during Geography, and then proceeds to blow a bubble some eight times the size of his head. When it bursts with an enormous bang, it takes two days to fully get the mess out of his hair.
- Stumpy, Bendy Henderson and I have a great time during the summer holidays playing from dawn ‘til dusk up Blow’s Downs with old bits of corrugated iron, old car batteries, half full tins of lead-based paint and pieces of asbestos
1972
- Junior School
- Stumpy and me each get 4 buttoned high-waisters with flares the size of yacht sails
- Five years after its first screening, Bendy finally realises that the cast of Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons are puppets
- Brookman is thrown out of Cubs for trying to unionise the members – he joins the Woodcraft Folk as a result
- Puffer is compared to a ‘young Orson Welles’ for his performance in the end of term play
- Brookman’s dad buys a ZIL limousine
- Stumpy’s dad buys a Vauxhall VX490
- Mrs Appleby joins the MOR band Mulberry Wine
- For a dare, Smiler Morton climbs into a washing machine at the local launderette and goes through a whole wash and drying cycle. When he climbs out of the machine we are sure he has shrunk by a good couple of inches – his Tesco Delamare clothes certainly have
- The Milton Sisters capture Stumpy and me one lunchtime and tattoo our arms with blue, black, green and red Bic biro pens. The hideous artwork takes weeks to be completely removed
1973
- Junior School
- On a school trip to a Hertfordshire stately home, Bendy gets his head stuck for almost an hour inside the gun barrel of an ornamental cannon.
- Brookman causes uproar on same school trip by getting into a heated argument with tour guide over the validity and relevance of the aristocracy
- Puffer is compared to a ‘young Sydney Greenstreet’ for his performance in the school end of term play
- Puffer introduces us to studying form and odds. Over the following years he develops a thriving gambling racket, the profits from which he uses to add to his burgeoning collection of smoking jackets, cravats, cigarette holders and Shakesperean shoes
- Gordon ‘Sputnik’ Mahoney tries to recreate the concept of the Dambusters’ bouncing bomb from the top diving board at Luton swimming baths. Being unable to swim proves a fundamental flaw in his plan
- While we distract some builders with a carefully thought-out ruse, for a dare Smiler Morton climbs into a moving cement mixer on a local building site and does a five-minute rotation inside it. He subsequently has trouble moving his limbs and maintaining his balance for the next four days, and is forced to walk around in the manner of a miniature and stiffer legged version of Boris Karloff as The Mummy from the 1932 Universal Pictures film of the same name
- The Milton Sisters form their official gang, with Slugger Carson and Tin Ribs Wilson becoming its first members. They thus expand their modus operandi by either just operating as a pair or in cahoots with these reprobates
1974
- Junior and Middle School
- The Milton Sisters crush mine and Stumpy’s clackers in the school woodwork bench vice
- Bendy develops a habit of moving in slow motion and making accompanying sound affects as he becomes convinced he is The Six Million Dollar Man
- Brookman has a crisis of conscience after his re-evaluation of Trotsky’s assassination
- Puffer comes to the attention of Dunstable Repertory Theatre after his starring role as Toad in the school production of ‘Toad of Toad Hall’
- Mrs Appleby joins the MOR band Avocado Stone
- At the local Mobil garage, Smiler Morton and Gawper Allsop inflate a Space Hopper to a hideous and enormous misshapen size, which subsequently becomes too large for them to control. This causes fury for astonished motorists who have to swerve and screech to a halt as the Space Hopper bounces out in front of them on the main Luton Road
1975
- Middle School
- 1st Spud Gun War
- Stumpy and I hallucinate after wearing too much Hai Karate and drinking too much Cresta at a school disco
- Stumpy and I are hauled before the Headmaster five days running for various misdemeanours
- Bendy is ambushed by the Milton Sisters and has the appendage of his French version of the plastic Merry Monk model permanently disfigured by a lit cigarette
- Brookman has a crisis of confidence over worsening Soviet – Sino relations
- Puffer recites a specially written poem in a school assembly to celebrate Miss Wake’s long service entitled ‘A Walk Amongst the Hemlock’ – this causes and uproar of mirth from the pupils and an uproar of fury from teachers
- Mrs Appleby joins MOR band Adelaide & Farlowe, and they now become Appleby, Adelaide & Farlowe
- Puffer lands a major supporting role in The Plotters of Cabbage Patch Corner at Dunstable Repertory Theatre
- Stumpy’s elder brother forms a prog-rock band called Moth
- The Milton Sisters sit Stapleforth the Name-Caller on top of the turned-on park drinking water fountain for twenty minutes
- Using a skeleton key created in metalwork by Stephen Brookman, Smiler Morton and Gawper Allsop gain access to the office of Mr Jensen, the Headmaster, and leave an opened can of sardines, an opened can of pilchards and a freshly smoked kipper in one of his desk drawers for the duration of the summer holidays
- On a school educational trip to Tilbury docks, Gordon ‘Sputnik’ Mahoney climbs inside a ship’s foghorn, likening his planned descent to Jules Verne’s Journey to the Centre of the Earth. The plan backfires when one of the ship’s crew decides to give us a demonstration of the foghorn’s workings without realising Sputnik is down there. We visit Sputnik in hospital where he spends four days in a specialist hearing treatment unit
1976
- Middle and Upper School
- 2nd Spud Gun War
- The start of Buchanan Gang’s Reign of Terror
- Stumpy’s dad takes Stumpy and me to see Papa Keetch & The Merchants of Boogie Woogie perform at local Schooner Inn function room
- Stumpy, Bendy and I are hauled before the Headmaster for producing a ‘subversive, crude and vulgar’ comic strip which has proved a roaring success in the playground
- Due to our continuing small stature, Stumpy and me and a few others are still riding customised Raleigh Tomahawks whilst everyone else has progressed to Raleigh Choppers
- Bendy gets stuck out on the manor house ramparts for over two hours in just his underpants, vest and Clark’s Commando shoes during a school residential trip to Netherswell Manor
- Brookman begins a year exchange sabbatical to Novosibirsk
- Puffer delivers a tour de force reading of Emile Zola’s ‘J’Accuse’ as the centrepiece of our end of year assembly, adapting some of its content and aiming its meaning at the teachers
- Gawper Allsop and Smiler Morton are suspended for two weeks after coating some ball bearings in chocolate and then pretending they are chocolate raisins when offering one to Mr Jensen, the Headmaster. Jensen almost breaks his tooth when crunching into one
- Stumpy’s elder brother disbands Moth and joins a prog-rock band called Fog
- The Green Man incident – The Milton Sisters cover Stapleforth the Name-Caller in Copydex glue and then throw him in a huge pile of grass cuttings
1977
- Upper School
- The founding of The Stranglers Appreciation Society. Stumpy is elected Chairman with me as General Secretary
- The end of the Buchanan Gang’s Reign of Terror
- Me (guitar), Stumpy (bass), Bendy (vocals) & Gusty Burton (drums) form a punk rock band calledThe Snarling Ferrets
- Bendy is grounded for four weeks when his Dad finds and plays a demo cassette of our songs which is littered with foul-mouthed expletives
- Brookman returns from his year exchange sabbatical to Novosibirsk in time to compete in the annual inter-school chess championship (he wins again)
- Puffer stars as Coriolanus in a School Drama Club production
- Puffer starts to wear a monocle and carry a gold-tipped cane
- Smiler Morton and Gawper Allsop terrify folk living in a small block of residential flats by building a huge and hideous paper mache replica of Gawper’s head, attaching it to a very large pole, and then raising to knock on the outside of their windows
- Puffer causes uproar when in a recital of Ozymandias at a school assembly he dedicates the meaning of the poem to Mr Butler, the despotic Head of Year, and his cohorts
- The Brookmans do not attend our street’s Silver Jubilee party, instead running up the red hammer and sickle flag in their garden, opening all their windows wide and blaring out Shostakovich’s 7th Symphony to try to drown out the celebrations
- The Milton Sisters form a punk rock band Ingrid & The Severed Hydra
- Gawper Allsop and Smiler Morton are suspended for two weeks after spotting Mr Guthrie, the Head of Science, at the annual Statty’s Fair in the town centre. Offering him a bite of their pink and yellow candy floss, he ends up coughing, choking and spluttering as it is actually loft insulation that they have wrapped around a candy floss stick
1978
- Upper School
- Stumpy and I wear false moustaches to try get into a local Arts Centre re-screening of Captain Kronos – Vampire Hunter. We are refused entry
- Bendy breaks the record for the longest grounding by his Dad for the ‘Legs Akimbo 2’ Betamax video incident
- Bendy goes for two whole terms under the alias of Robert Saxby and fools Mr Nish (Combined Science) into thinking that is his name. He is though rumbled at an Open Evening and is grounded again
- Brookman breaks the record in his end of year school report by getting 10 Es for Effort & 10 As for Attainment
- Brookman organises the Bedfordshire-wide paperboy strike
- Brookman stands for Head of House on an outright Communist platform – he receives 11 votes
- Puffer stars as Falstaff in a School Drama Club production of Henry IV Part I
- Gusty Burton draws up a revised code of conduct for our gang and all honorary members which we solemnly swear allegiance to – this includes ignoring any signs which state ‘Do Not Touch’, ‘Do Not Enter’, ‘Keep Out’ or ‘Danger Of Death’
- After the school summer fete, Gawper Allsop and Smiler Morton are again suspended for 2 weeks after they offer Mr Cunningham, the Head of Languages, what he thinks is a large spoonful of vanilla ice cream from a tub they offer him. He duly struggles to spit out and then remove from his gummed-up teeth the thick and congested dollop which is actually from a large tub of Polyfilla they have mixed and prepared
- Big Mo joins our school and forms The Student Revolutionary Party. He quickly forms an alliance with Brookman’s Student Co-Operative Alliance to create a powerful Communist cabal
- The Milton Sisters capture Little Johnny Judkins and with a pair of clippers radically razor his side parted hair. This backfires on them when the actual result looks better than his usual haircut from his mum
- At a special Christmas Assembly held with members of the Junior and Middle Schools that share our campus site, Brookman ruins Christmas for many of the smaller kids by handing out leaflets saying that Santa does not exist
- Smiler Morton beats the challenge laid down by Gawper Allsop and smokes 200 Gauloises unfiltered cigarettes non-stop throughout the day. We visit him in hospital where he spends four days in an oxygen tent
1979
- Upper School, temporary summer jobs and Sixth Form
- Stumpy and I perfect our ‘library of excuses’ and go the whole school year without handing any homework in
- Bendy gets hold of a copy of the Maths multiple choice mock exam answers before we sit our exams – he still fails
- Brookman wins the inter-school chess championship for a record tenth year
- Brookman devises and perfects ‘The Brookman Doctrine’
- Brookman and Big Mo are the masterminds behind the ‘Siege of 5th Form Block’ where they overthrow the Student Council and make various far-reaching demands for total pupil power. The siege ends when 5th Form Prefect Special Forces storm the building
- To celebrate his sixteenth birthday, Smiler Morton smashes his long-held record and eats thirty-two tubs of Play Dough in a morning. He is subsequently taken to hospital to clear the ensuing blockage where he is subjected to a groundbreaking and radical form of colonic irrigation
- Puffer gives his greatest ever performance as King Lear in a School Drama Club production
- For a laugh, Lanky Shinton and Chipolata Mick each drink a pint of Spanish Super Fly aphrodisiac at the back of the Combined Science class. Sent home from school in disgrace, they do not then leave their houses for the next four days, being unable to fit into any of their trousers
- The Milton Sisters Gang publish their Top 10 most wanted list at the beginning of the last week of school with Stumpy and me taking pride of place right at the top. Stumpy and I though manage to dodge the gang’s clutches for the whole week, but others are not so fortunate
- Puffer is kidnapped by the Milton Sisters during this last week of school. We pay a heavy price for his release. Puffer doesn’t talk about his time in captivity but speaks in a strange falsetto voice for three days afterwards
- We (the main gang and the honorary members) bury Stumpy’s Time Capsule in a solemn ceremony up Blow’s Downs. Johnny Judkins performs a specially composed bugle accompaniment. Puffer recites ‘So, We’ll Go No More a Roving’ by Lord Byron, in the style and spirit of Blakey from On the Buses
